56. The Wanderer
"Hijinx Dad"
It's been a while since I've waded into the fetid waters of the music industry but I doubt it's changed much. You'll meet some truly lovely people there of course, you just have to look past the floating corpses. Then there are times you climb aboard a chartered craft and the jaunty captain promises seasons in the sun, only to discover after its way too late to disembark that this guy has absolutely no idea where he's going. And if it's a waterfall you're headed for, you order the shrimp cocktail and drink the bar, because no one is ever gonna recoup anyway. (Wasn't there a little voice in your head that told you this was bad idea? Why didn't you listen to it?) But still I think it would be helpful if these guys came with a warning label, sort of like those daytime television pharmaceutical ads that promise to prevent this or enhance that, but are also likely to kill you in seven other ways. It might look like this...
Avoid contact with this music industry professional if you suffer from any of the following conditions
- hypertension
- an aversion to being humiliated in front of your friends
- clear uncompromising vision
OR
- an intolerance for phrases like, "where the rubber meets the road", and "stop me if any of this starts making sense"
Get away from this music industry professional if you notice any of the following things
- a picture of himself and Don Henley doing blow, prominently displayed in his office
- you having recurring nightmares in which his face is interchangeable with Freddy Kruger's
- he tans
Run screaming in the other direction away from this music industry professional if ...
- he starts hitting on girls at your shows
- he enthusiastically gets the names of your songs wrong
OR
- he happens to mention that his big marketing plan for your band is to focus the campaign on targeting beach volleyball fans
(this actually happened)
Anyway-I've often thought of writing a book about my band Cotton Mather but the problem is people would want to file it under fiction because surely it couldn't have all been true. It's all true!
I swear.
Hexagram 56 of the I Ching, "The Wanderer" advises us to maintain inner vigilance and not succumb to aspects of the outer world, which would cause us to betray our path and or sense of correctness. Also called "The Traveler", 56 consuls on how to navigate being a "stranger in a strange land". Strange lands indeed. "Most peculiar Momma"!
Cue crunchy guitar intro now....
Hijinks Dad
Are you the host of some lost and found?
Some kind of ghost looking for a town?
Whose final words could maybe be uh-oh
Just like a kite a little girl let go
And for the sugar of a job
Standing in the shadow of a shady eight ball
Hijinks Dad- I jinxed that you could say
You’re really soaring- man it’s so boring
Cruising around back from Arizona
The Jinx has a girl, baby she’s a loner
That’s just the sick, sad nature of the beast
That that joker is made out like some high priest
You better call out for the nurse
He’s picking you up driving a hearse
Hijinks Dad- I jinxed that you could say
You’re really soaring- man it’s so boring
I try to call him up one day, have my say and I lost my nerve
For goodness sake, I road the brake on Dead Man’s Curve
It goes to show you really never know who’s got your back
Some kind of joke, draped inside a union jack
I’m happy seeing through the hoax
Putting pennies in my pocket and a pig into the poke
Hijinks Dad- I jinxed that you could say
You’re really soaring- man it’s so boring